From what I know, my mom and dad met at 26 and 30. After just a few months, I was conceived and then born the day before my dad’s 31st birthday. He has always said I was his birthday present and always wished for a brown hair and brown eyed baby girl. My mom always said that my dad didn’t believe I was his and refused to pay full child-support. Before I get into things, you should know that I’m a bastard… Yes – You heard that right! My parents were hardly dating let alone married. And they never did marry or stay together.
The earliest stress I remember feeling was watching my mom scream and cuss at my older brother, Jory and ground him for months at a time for watching too much tv or not remembering to clean the litter, etc. Jory is 7 years older than me and has another dad that has unfortunately never been in his life. My brother has always been the most charming, giggly, happy and motivated person I’ve ever met but unfortunately, before I was born, my brother was in a trail-riding accident in Radium BC when he was just 4 years old. His head and body were smashed in by the horses hooves and he was flown by helicopter to a hospital in a coma. Ever since, he has suffered from severe mental and physical disabilities but has never let those issues get in the way of his work ethic and desire to please everyone around him.
I was stressed because I was mad that my brother was being so bad all the time and that he was causing my mom such anger. I was also stressed because that’s my big brother and he needs patience and support. I was confused. Other than when my brother would run around the house for hugs before bed, I don’t remember any times that my mother was affectionate with my brother. In fact, we were grossed out by him with because my mom would say things like, “Ew he drools” or “Jory you smell so bad”, as a 3 year old these were the only things I heard therefore they were the only things I believed. So I regretfully admit to abusing my brother verbally and emotionally throughout my childhood as well.
Back to Mom and Dad… All I felt was love. I loved my mommy and daddy more than anything in the world, but I knew from birth that they couldn’t even be in the same room as each other. To me that was normal, I never dreamt of a husband and family, I dreamt of being a single mom. I knew something wasn’t okay when my mom started crying about my dad’s family and pestering me with questions and accusations after weekend visits. I loved both sides of my family, but I saw my mother hurting and began losing trust with my dad’s side.
From the ages 7-12 I started to rebel against my dad because I knew that he was constantly in court with my mom. I didn’t know what court was but my mom said I couldn’t play sports or learn instruments because my dad would not pay child support let alone extra-curricular activities. As my social life got cut more with less actives to do, I would start to test my dad with accusations I had heard from my mom and he would just tell me I was too young to understand. He would also tell me that I shouldn’t be hearing these things, even if they were true. These statements just made me mad because, well that’s how my mom would react.
Stay tuned for my post on the 4 years I was alienated from my dad and the severe emotional and verbal abuse I endured during that time.
My BPD Companion 
Cute photos!
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